Signing Off

Today marks the departure of the last minister in the trail of destruction we called 2012…I’m signing off of Galvanized Garden…maybe for a while, maybe for good. I’ll sum up the last year with this quote…

“Denial…indicates the way the church colludes in the agenda of the clergy killer. Most of us don’t want to admit to the reality of clergy killers, nor do we acknowledge the intentional damage they cause. Because we believe “this shouldn’t be happening in the church,” we convince ourselves it isn’t really happening. Such denial leaves clergy killers unrestrained and the whole church vulnerable.” from Clergy Killers by G. Lloyd Rediger

Making Sense of the Last 25 Years

As I struggle to make sense of the events of the last 25 years in regards to my spiritual walk, I find myself referring back to a book I read over the last year. I find comfort in the words of the author only because it helps me know that our experiences aren’t all together unique and others have walked this road. The book is, however, incredibly sobering and sad. The book is called Clergy Killers by G. Lloyd Rediger. In the Introduction Rediger says, “This book is a sincere effort to awaken the church to a nightmare coming true. I speak from the experience of many years as a pastoral counselor specializing in the pastoral care, across denominational lines, of clergy and their families. The results of my research and experience, and that of a growing number of  concerned leaders, require a responsible cry of alarm and a prophetic warning. ” (pg.2)

I have witnessed many of the things described in this book…not once, but three times over the last 25 years. I was relieved to find this book because, at times, I’ve felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone. It was as if the people around me were completely oblivious to what was actually taking place right before their eyes. If I dared to mention the possibility of something being amiss, they quickly dismissed it or made an excuse that seemed to justify what was happening. When I began reading Clergy Killers, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Real scenarios that happened to other people that were nearly identical to the scenarios that have played out in my church over the years.

I think it’s important to note that Rediger refers to “pastors” most of the time in this book and occasionally references “clergy”. Over the last year, many in church leadership at my church expressed the believe that there is only ONE pastor. The other church staff ministers are not considered pastors and should not be referred to as such, in their opinion. Because of this sentiment,  I had to continually remind myself as I read Clergy Killers that the author is most likely referring to all clergy members when he refers to “pastor”. He describes the “nature of the problem” like this…

“One informed estimate indicates that a pastor is “fired” (forced out) every six minutes in the United States. This is a shocking figure, even for those who have been dealing with abuse and conflict in organized religion for many years. Clergy killers are few in number, but awesome in the damage they create.”

“The name we give this phenomenon is significant. Words such as “disagreement”, “clash”, or “conflict” do not deliver the wakeup call the church needs. “Clergy killers” tells it like it is, for killing is the agenda and pastors are the target.” (pg. 6-7)

I found it interesting that he seems to equate “fired“ and “forced out”. In all three of my experiences, the ministers have been “forced out”. The ministers were told behind closed doors to find a new job and move on and make it look like it was their choice to the congregation…or they were “asked” for their resignation and offered severance pay only under the condition that they would not disclose to anyone the conditions of their departure… making it appear to the congregation that the resignation was the choice of the minister. The ministers were threatened with losing their severance pay if they were truthful about the forced nature of their departure.  This essentially puts a minister in a situation where he has to keep quiet and lie to the congregation about why he is leaving because being truthful would cause him to put his family in jeopardy of having no paycheck and no health insurance. These ministers are established in the community with children in school and mortgages and financial responsibilities.  They have no choice but to cooperate and accept the conditions laid out by these church leaders/committees in order to provide for their families until they can find another job. Church leaders/committee members will vehemently deny that these ministers were “fired”, but insist, instead, that they resigned. Call it what you will. They were forced to “choose” between being fired or resigning. They “chose” the lesser of the evils. In other words, they were “forced out” and told to keep quiet.

I’ve been told by many church members that this is a compassionate way to handle this situation because the church could have fired the minister and only been required to give the minister 2 weeks severance pay, but instead they chose to give the minister several months severance pay and prevent a termination from appearing on his employment record. Seems compassionate on the surface. I think it’s important to point out, however, that they 1)neglected to give the ministers a list of allegations leading to their forced resignations, 2)document any grievances in their personnel files, 3)give the ministers an opportunity to respond to the allegations or defend themselves against rumors swirling around the church  or 4) grant their requests for mediation and reconciliation.

I’ve also been told by many church members that this is just the nature of employment. Forced resignations happen behind the scenes in business and coaching all the time. They say it’s painful, but you just have to move on. I wonder, though…shouldn’t church be different? Shouldn’t we take the Bible into consideration when dealing with one another in the church? Do we have a responsibility to go to one another with our hurts and complaints one-on-one before taking them to groups of people as allegations? Do we have a responsibility to show grace and offer each other a chance for forgiveness and reconciliation? If we run the church as a business, what sets us apart? How are we any different than a country club or civic organization? What does this type of behavior and deception say to our children? Or new believers? Or believers such as myself who have been in church for a lifetime? Why is it so taboo to admit wrongdoing in the church and openly discuss what is actually happening? Why do we feel the need to appear perfectly pious to the community while the guts of the church are churning with ugliness? How can you ever be a real church “family” without being honest with one another? What do we “do” with the secrets and deception we witness?

I have no answers. Only questions.

Officially A Splinter

Several years ago, our family began to feel a change in our thinking. I wrote about it here and here. Eventually we experienced heartbreak and I wrote about it  here. Galvanized Garden was born out of my desire to record my thoughts and struggles. Back in November, I posted this quote:

From The Cross in the Closet by Timothy Kurek:

“Conservative Christianity teaches us to love everyone; however, that love can take many different forms. It seems to stem from an “I’m right, you’re wrong” biblical perspective, which imposes only two rather limited options: Insist others conform to your spiritual world view, or ignore those who don’t.

When Christians begin to question whether option one and two might both be false and consider the possibility of a third, or even fourth option, they are often swiftly labeled by their fellow church members as heretics – or emergents, if you prefer the religious lingo – and are told to either accept “in faith” one of the first two options; or they are pressured, like splinters, out of the church body. More and more, these splinters are leaving organized religion, and now I just might be one of them.”

Today, five months later, I am officially a splinter. I can hear the church members saying, “We didn’t pressure you out of the church body.” And, in fairness, they only suggested that my family might be better off leaving the church we’ve called home for over 20 years because they were concerned for us. “Concerned”  sounded like this: “I like going to church with you, but I can’t stand to see you hurting anymore. Maybe you would be better off going to another church.” “If you can’t effectively serve the Lord in this church anymore(because of your hurts), you need to find a place where you can for the sake of your family.” “You have to find a way to accept what is in the past and move on. We can’t change the past.”  The irony is that over the years, we have met so many people that are “unchurched”, as those “inside” the church often say, because of the ways they have been hurt by the church. Our hearts were heavy for them and we felt a sense of responsibility to them for those hurts. Maybe it isn’t actually ironic at all. Maybe God was preparing us to join the “unchurched”.  The interesting part for me is that we have a pretty unique perspective. We have gone from being grounded in the Baptist church for generations, to being in full-time ministry in two different Baptist churches, to leaving “the ministry” after experiencing the nastiness of church politics, to being “unchurched” after watching yet another episode of nasty church politics that devoured the church we thought we knew. We’ve experienced the gamut of church involvement.

Here’s my dilemma…do I continue recording my struggles and journey? Or do I close up the blog and go try to deal with the hurts in private? I know the church I’ve been a part of pretty well. I know they would question my spiritual maturity for even considering a transparent record of my journey on a blog. However, I know too many people who have been hurt by the actions of churches and church members and have never had an opportunity to feel those hurts acknowledged or validated. The secrecy and denial hurt the most. My inclination is to walk the journey toward healing openly to honor those who have had their lives upended by the church. There’s no question that if I choose to continue writing this blog, I’ll be opening myself up to incredible criticism. Here’s the thing…I already know I’m human and prone to make mistakes. I already know my attitude stinks at times. I already know that I need to apologize for my actions, word and thoughts at times. I already know my flaws are many. So why do I fear what people will throw at me?  I can almost guarantee the greatest criticism will come from those in the church…which will sting.

I’ll be considering whether or not to continue blogging this journey…

 
”I will arise and follow you over
Savior please, pilot me
Over the waves and through every sorrow
Savior please, pilot me
When I have no more strength left to follow
Fall on my knees, pilot me
May your sun rise and lead me on
Over the sea’s, savior pilot me
O’ Lord”

 

Family

“When asked why he (a former gang member) didn’t come (to church) anymore, he gave the following explanation: “I had the wrong idea about what church was going to be like. When I joined the church, I thought it was going to be like joining a gang. You see, in the gangs we weren’t just nice to each other once a week – we were family.” That killed me because I knew that what he expected is what the church is intended to be. It saddened me to think that a gang could paint a better picture of commitment, loyalty and family than the local church body.

The church is intended to be a beautiful place of community. A place where wealth is shared and when one suffers, everyone suffers. A place where when one rejoices, everyone rejoices. A place where everyone experiences real love and acceptance in the midst of great honesty about our brokenness.” –Francis Chan in Forgotten God 

How Long?

I remember walking for hours one morning last summer during a prayer walk around our church grounds…asking God all the way…How long  till you hear us? How long till you heal us? I begged Him to intervene and mend us. I’m still waiting…

“How long till You hear us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
How long till You heal us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
Love rise up.
Hope rise up
How long till You free us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
How long till You mend us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
Your strength will come like something lifted up.
Lift up you head (love is rising)
Lift up your head (hope is rising)
Lift up your head (be lifted)
Be lifted, be lifted.
Lift up you head!”   David Crowder Band

                      

Before We Reach the End

Time to begin navigating the waters of repentance, restoration and reconciliation. Wish me luck.

“I cannot take back what I’ve done
To you, my sweetest friend
I betrayed you, I walked away again
Now all that’s left, is what might have been
Please forgive me, before we reach the end”

                                                        Josh Garrels (Slip Away)

Seeing a Correlation

I can’t stop thinking about an article I read last week. I see a correlation…between the Lance Armstrong doping story and church politics. Odd, I know. The article described the reactions of those who have been hurt by the cover ups and untruths told by Lance Armstrong to his interview with Oprah…where he admitted to doping. The article said:

 

“…now that Armstrong has admitted in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that he’s a doper, a liar and a bully, many of those that saw their lives changed, sometimes ruined, are going through a gamut of emotions. Some feel vindicated, others remain vengeful. Some are sad, while many others are simply wrung out."

“Frankie’s career was definitely cut short. His career was ruined early,” Betsy Andreu said. “You have riders out there whose careers never happened because of Armstrong.”

“When a rider like me brushed up against a cyclist of his caliber, his fame and his worth – when I clashed with the boss – all doors were closed to me.” Simeoni said. (referring to his whistle blowing on Armstrong) “I was humiliated, offended and marginalized for the rest of my career. Only I know what that feels like. It’s difficult to explain.”

“First shunned, then vilified by Lance Armstrong, Mike Anderson had to move to the other side of the world to get his life back. Now running a bike shop outside of Wellington, New Zealand, Armstrong’s former assistant watched news reports of his former boss confessing to performance-enhancing drug use with only mild interest. If Anderson never hears Armstrong’s voice again, it would be too soon. “He gave me the firm, hard push and a shove,” Anderson said in a telephone interview with the Associated Press. “Made my life very, very unpleasant. It was an embarrassment for me and my family to be portrayed as liars, to be called a disgruntled employee, implying there was some impropriety on my part. It was completely uncalled for.” (article by Eddie Pells for the Associated Press)

 

Sadly, I see these correlations:

1. An admittance of wrongdoing or an apology doesn’t negate the hurt we’ve caused or fix what we’ve broken.

2. We can only truly understand the hurts of those who are experiencing the same hurts we’ve experienced personally…which means we often carry our hurts alone.

3. While those hurt in the politics of the church might not feel vengeful, they definitely feel sad and wrung out.

4. We should be ashamed that we cut careers short and, perhaps, prevent some from ever having a career by our actions…especially in the church.

5. Our hurts and scars follow us…even if we start over somewhere else.

6. Having the courage to disagree with those in a place of prominence can have serious repercussions, but violating your own morality by staying silent when you know the truth is more personally devastating.