I’m completely overwhelmed today with gratitude for the silver lining beginning to appear after the hardest 2 years I can remember.
I used to say that I didn’t wish for anyone to experience what we witnessed this last 22 months. Now, I’m wondering if all of us wouldn’t be more compassionate and brave if we did live through similar circumstances. I’m talking about the kind of hurt, deception and accusations that cause you to break. That cause you to question everything. That cause you to depend on God for your very survival. That cause you to look desperately for even one or two who will stand with you.
I can’t believe that thought even found its way out of me. I’ve been so angry and disappointed in so many and so much over the course of the 2 years. But, here’s the silver lining for me. I’ve never allowed myself to be completely broken in the past. This time I lived every minute of it in honesty. I felt every hurt deep in my soul. I’ve surrendered the “put together” version of myself and settled into the authentically broken version of myself. I’ve allowed others to see me struggle without attempting to cover myself with religious church speak.
I still don’t agree with what transpired. I’m still disappointed in people I trusted. I still wonder how we can treat people with a disregard for grace and forgiveness while claiming to carry out our actions at the prompting of God Himself. I still wrestle with anger over it all.
But, I’ve learned so much about my own relationship with God over the months and months of anguish. I’ve relaxed into being me. I’ve relaxed into my need to ask questions and rethink what I’ve been told over all these years…without the guilt, embarrassment and fear I could count on in the past.
And, here’s the most beautiful part of the silver lining…a deep love for those who were broken alongside me has taken hold of my heart. It’s a love that I can’t adequately describe. Some of us were flung to other parts of this town… some to a different town…some to another state…some to another country. But we are connected. We are honest about our ugliness, failures, fears, hopes. We are changed forever because of the storm we weathered together. And, for the first time in my life, I’m missing friends with a desperation I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. I love them. I respect them in their honesty. They are a part of me.