Overcoming Repulsion

It’s Sunday morning once again. And once again I feel a sense of relief when I open my eyes and realize I don’t have to go to church. And once again I feel a pang of guilt when I realize I won’t be going to church today by choice.

Many well meaning people give me advice each week… “You should come back and visit. We have a new preacher!” “Church members are just people and people make mistakes. You can’t let that hold you back.” “Come on back. Eventually the trouble makers will die off. They won’t be around forever.” “You need to get somewhere. Being unchurched isn’t good.” “Most of the people at church don’t even know what happened [making them innocent bystanders]. Come on back.” “You should watch our church on TV! We have a new young pastor. He’s really good.” “You should read [this or that] book.”

I have a hard time explaining to people where I am spiritually.

After my first two experiences with deception by church leadership, I knew what to expect. I knew that cynicism would be the toughest part of the fallout from this latest episode to overcome. At least that’s how it played out for me the last two times. But, I was wrong. This time I moved past cynicism into a place of repulsion. Repulsion at the sight of the church building, the sight of the sanctuary on the TV broadcast, the ‘church talk’ buzzwords, the committees, the prayer request-veiled gossip, the ‘deacon body’, the programs, the ‘stewardship’ of the offerings, the culture and those who buy into it and the hurtful deceptions hidden behind a façade of unity and godliness.

I wish I could find a way to describe this repulsion to people. I’ve thought a lot about it and this is the best I can do for now:

Let’s say you go to your favorite restaurant on Friday and order your favorite salad topped with grilled salmon. Later you come down with a terrible case of food poisoning. You are ill for several days and it takes a trip to the ER for IV fluids to help you regain your strength. The doctor mentions that you probably got the food poisoning from the mishandling/prep of the fish by the restaurant food staff.

As soon as you are over the initial trauma of the food poisoning, do you want to go right back to that restaurant and eat the salmon salad again? Or do the memories of vomiting every hour override your desire to go back and eat the same meal again? Do you think, “Well, chefs are people and people make mistakes. I’m sure the chef usually washes his hands after using the restroom. I can’t let that one mistake keep me from eating there again this week.”? Do you realize logically that the possibility of it happening again is slim, but still can’t seem to overcome the feeling of nausea when thinking about eating the salad again? What if your friends suggest that you celebrate your birthday or anniversary at that restaurant…after all, they’ve never gotten sick after eating there. What if they suggest that you simply order the salmon salad as a take out meal if you’re having a hard time stomaching the thought of eating it inside the restaurant?

Now, think about what would happen if you had eaten the salmon salad 3 different times over the years and had gotten a case of food poisoning each time. How likely would you be to visit the restaurant again? Even if you realized the likelihood of getting sick again was slim. Even if you realized that chefs and food staff are just people who make mistakes occasionally. Even if you realized that the staff had changed since the last time you visited the restaurant. Even if all your friends thought it was ridiculous that you couldn’t get past the memories of being ill as a result of the food poisoning, and urged you just to go on back to the restaurant where everyone else still felt comfortable eating.

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Repulsion. Not repulsion toward God. Repulsion toward all things ‘church’. That’s where I am. Repulsion manifested as physical symptoms that can creep up and hijack my body before I even realize what’s happening. Repulsion brought on by triggers that no one else even notices or thinks are relevant. The sight of the church building, the presence of certain people in a room, bits of conversations, photos, memories.  I hope not to stay here forever. But it’s where I am right now and I can’t deny the truth of my situation. I don’t want to go back and get sick again. I don’t want another helping of church for a while…neither dine-in nor carry out. It makes no difference who the chef/pastor or staff happens to be. It doesn’t make me feel any better to know that they make mistakes that make people sick and excuse it because they’re human without acknowledgement or apology.

I wish it were as simple as people make it sound to ‘come on back’. And I wish it were possible for those who desire that for me to understand the depth of the devastation ministers’ families must navigate long after everyone else has moved on and forgotten the parts of the story that were just too uncomfortable to hold on to. For ministers’ families, time inevitably moves on. You learn to function again, you learn a different way to exist and be happy…but, you never get to reclaim that part of your life that was violated and lost. And you must mourn that loss…which takes a while.

Doesn’t Anyone See The Irony?

From the FBC website…

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See the man leading worship? Yes, that’s the music minister who was forced to resign 2 years ago under a cloud of secrecy and deception…and never presented with a list of allegations against him…and “encouraged” to keep quiet with the threat of losing his severance pay if he told the truth about what was happening to him…and denied the chances at reconciliation he requested…and forced to uproot his family and move to another town…and forced to endure public attacks on his character and that of his family as a result of the untruths and half-truths told to the congregation by deacons…

There he is…right there on the header for the “Our Beliefs” page…worshiping with the congregation he loved and served…completely unaware on that Sunday morning that this very church “family” would, in just a few short months, destroy the family and church life he knew.

Wonder if there is even one member in the 2000+ congregation who has thought about the fact that they have his picture on their website for the world to see…as if nothing happened. Wonder how that would make him feel. Hard to believe that they would want a picture on their website of someone they apparently detested enough to treat the way they treated his family. But, then, there have been a lot of things that were hard to believe over the last 2 years.
 
 

The Tunnel Of Chaos

For two and a half years I’ve been in turmoil. Struggling to understand the chaos around me. Trying to understand the reaction of church members to my requests for honesty and transparency. Trying to understand how I had so grossly misunderstood Scripture over so many years. Questioning myself, my motives, my character. Bashing myself for not being able to see our church situation as the church members I had always respected saw it: as unfortunate, but part of life that had to be accepted. At times I dealt with depression so dark and painful that I begged God for the desire to even live in the world that I no longer understood. A world so chaotic, I was unsure how to even exist in it.

And then a friend urged me to watch this video. She felt it might help me gain some perspective on the last 2 1/2 years. I’m so grateful.

http://www.clearcreekresources.org/video/20140810_Uncommon1.mp4

A Reunion…Of Sorts

I sat across the table from one of my favorite people at lunch today. I was a young youth minister’s wife when this young man was a sophomore in high school and in the youth group at the church where my husband was on staff.  We loved this kid deeply and have told our own sons stories about him over the years. He was in town on business this weekend and I hadn’t seen him in over 15 years. He’s a husband and father now. He’s every bit as wonderful as an adult as I imagined he would be back when he was 15. I was thrilled to take my own son, who happens to be a sophomore, along to meet him.

Sitting in a local restaurant on a Sunday at lunchtime, the joy slowly turned to weirdness for me. I realized that he probably still sees me as the young woman he once knew. He remembers me when I was on the front end of this journey…still hoping, still joyful, still dreaming, still trusting. We had already left this local church under devastating circumstances and gone to our second church (his church) in hopes that we would never experience such heartbreak in ministry again. Just as we formed strong bonds with his youth group, a small group of men secretly plotted to fire the pastor. After another horrendous experience watching a minister and his young family suffer a severe wounding at the hands of deacons and “church people”, we left ministry for good.

As I sat across from this young man at lunch, I struggled with my words when the conversation turned to church. Church has always been his frame of reference for us. I realized that, because he was just 16 when we left his church and because adults don’t talk about the circumstances of church politics with young people, he probably has only a vague understanding of why we left, if any at all. As he attempted to explain to me why he and his wife are not currently attending church, I eased him off the hook…grateful that he was unknowingly easing me off the hook, too.

How do you tell a guy who trusted you when you shared Jesus with him as a teenager that you are now “unchurched”…without it just being weird? How do you agree with him that you also no longer want to be a part of a Baptist church (even though you were in Baptist ministry)…without it being weird?

The sad realization set in. I’m not who I used to be when he knew me best. I wish I were for his sake. But, I’m not. I love him today as much as I loved him then. I hope he could tell.

As usual, the weirdness became palpable as we sat visiting and laughing (while secret thoughts of how disappointed in me he must be swirled through my head)…and then a member of FBC, eating lunch after church, stopped by our table…and I introduced my long ago church past to my recent church past.

Tonight I struggle with the question: “Who am I, really?” I am a believer in God in the deepest part of my soul. I know that. But I was also one of you, church people. I believed the things you said. I bought in to your culture. I spent 45 years serving and “fellowshipping” with you. I married a seminary student and we struggled to pay for a religious education in order to be “in the ministry” at your church. And, then,  I was burned over and over by your secrecy and deceit…and watched others experience the same. Now I feel guilty for leaving? I question who I am? How is any of this possible?

Remembering

Most days I can stomach our new normal and believe that one day it might not even seem new anymore. But some days, I’m just not so sure. I hear a song that triggers the memories of days past. Days when I…

-trusted without thinking.

-laughed until my sides hurt with the youth group I spent so much time “working” with (although it was never work…just joy).

-lost myself in thoughts of the bright futures of the teenagers I was watching mature day by day.

-was unaware of the cruelty of some of the people around me.

-was comfortable with being comfortable.

-believed.

And I wonder where I’m headed. And how today will look to me a few years down the road.

Today the trigger sounded like this…

Subtle Church Abuse: The Sniper

Tactic #2 mentioned in a previous post called “What Does Subtle Church Abuse Look Like?” …

The Sniper:

A church member acting alone and from a concealed location takes a “shot” at a minister in an attempt to scare or demoralize him. The minister never knows where the “shot” originated.

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Sniper fire is actually considered a form of psychological warfare in the military arena.

“Due to the surprise nature of sniper fire, high lethality of aimed shots and frustration at the inability to locate and attack snipers, sniper tactics have a significant effect on morale. Extensive use of sniper tactics can be used as a psychological strategy in order to induce constant stress in opposing forces.” (source)

Wondering how a church member can take a “shot” at a minister without him knowing where the “shot” originated? Wondering how in the world there could be a parallel between a military sniper tactic and a church abuse tactic? Wondering how it’s possible for a church member to scare or demoralize a minister while concealing his or her identity?  Does the idea that your fellow church member could use a sniper tactic in church abuse seem ludicrous to you? The fact that most church members have never witnessed the use of this tactic is precisely the reason I consider it “subtle” church abuse.

A few examples I’ve witnessed personally over the years include:

• A church member secretly wrote a letter to the International Mission Board to bring into question the character of a minister who was in the process of seeking an appointment with the organization. The IMB subsequently contacted the minister and launched an investigation, but would not reveal who had penned the letter outside of the fact that it was a member of FBC. The investigation turned up nothing and the minister was given an appointment to serve. However, during the process of the investigation, the minister and his family were shaken by the assault on his character by the unnamed source.The minister, to this day, has no idea who wrote the letter that resulted in the investigation.
• A couple of different church members sent unsigned notes to ministers they were trying to force out. One of the notes was also sent to a church member who the writer perceived as a supporter of those ministers.

• While we were members of a church in the Texas Hill Country early in our marriage, our church tried to force a minister out by having a deacon call the church into business meeting at the conclusion of a Sunday evening worship service. The deacons called for a vote hoping the congregation would vote to fire the minister. To their dismay, the minister won the vote. Later that week, the minister went outside to leave for work and discovered someone had demolished his brick mailbox during the night.

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I wonder:

Why did the church members in each of these examples choose to attack anonymously? What biblical basis helped them justify their actions? What was the objective of the Sniper in each example? To help or to hurt? To reconcile or cast out? To undergird or undermine? To create peace or create frustration and stress? To affect the morale of the target in a positive or negative way?

Is the tactic somehow acceptable because we use mere words and actions to take a shot at one another in church rather than a gun?

Did they think about the ramifications of their actions on the children of these ministers? On the wives of the ministers? On the health of the ministers?

What if they had been successful in derailing the minister’s calling to the mission field? Would they have been proud of their actions? Would they have rejoiced that they were able to keep a man, who was willing to move his family across the world to a new culture and language just to share the love he and his family have for the Lord, from fulfilling that calling?

Did they know enough of the truth about what was happening in the church to justify saying “God forgive you for all the trouble you’ve caused”? Or were they basing their anger on the allegations they had heard repeated by church leadership…without bothering to go directly to the minister and find out the truth? Did they think that including the (Please) phrase somehow turned their anonymous bully note into an innocent gesture?

Were they really suggesting that the minister was not a child of God, but rather a child of the devil as mentioned in the verse they chose to mark for the minister and his family to read? Did they see the irony in the fact they were sending an anonymous note to a minister and highlighting “Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God, nor is anyone who does not love his brother.”? Did they think this form of communicating with the minister was “doing what is right”? Did they think this was a way of “showing love to their brother”…therefore, validating their own status as a child of God while insinuating that he was a child of the devil?

Did they think about how the minister would explain to his children the destruction of their property at the hands of church members…Christians? Did they consider for a moment the disillusionment with “church people” they were perpetuating in the minds of those they were attacking from the shadows?

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I can’t think of a more cowardly way to operate than assaulting another believer and his family from a place of anonymity. Where in the Bible are we called to live in the shadows? Shouldn’t we be confident enough in the truthfulness and legitimacy of what we say to proclaim it openly to another person? Should we question our motives when we feel we must operate in secrecy?     

For those who are on the receiving end of this tactic and for those who witness someone take a hit from the tactic, the resulting disillusionment with church is real. After all, who wrote the letters? Who went to the trouble to copy a page from the Bible, mark it up, find a stamp and envelope, track down the minister’s address and mail the note? Who made the conscious decision to grab a bat, drive to the minister’s house in the middle of the night and smash his mailbox? Who took the time to write a letter, find the mailing address for the IMB and mail the letter?

It certainly had to be someone who had at least some knowledge of the inner workings of church business. Sitting in the church worship service feeling particularly vulnerable after an attack of this nature, it’s nearly impossible not to look around the congregation and wonder if the sniper is sitting next to you. Could it be a deacon you’ve trusted? Could it be a Sunday School teacher you’ve respected? Could it be a friend you’ve loved? Anything is possible. Except knowing who to trust.

Subtle Church Abuse: The Ambush

 

The Ambush:

Church members who are unhappy with the performance, personality or mannerisms of a minister begin talking quietly among themselves and gaining supporters who are also unhappy. Rather than approaching the minister with the complaints (which eventually turn into allegations) as is advised in Matthew 18:15-17, the group lies in wait in a state of anonymity until they carry out a surprise attack.

…that’s how I described The Ambush in my last post. I also mentioned the events leading up to The Ambush in a previous post called People Are Concerned.

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Here are the questions that plague me about The Ambush:

1. How do we reconcile the words of Matthew 18:15-17 with our actions when we neglect to go to another person, “just the two of you”, with our concerns/complaints? Does the Bible even give us a justification for taking our concerns/complaints to another person? Or are we only to concern ourselves with confronting a brother or sister about an actual sin as the verse references? What distinguishes a sin from an annoyance or difference of opinion? If we presented our concerns “just the two of us”, would the problem end there? Would we be able to reconcile with each other without further action?

What is the responsibility of those in leadership? If approached by a church member with a concern, should those in leadership hear the concern at once or ask the member if he has taken his concern to the person he has a complaint about? What if the member hasn’t spoken to the person he has a problem with? What if he refuses to go “just the two of us” to that person? What if the member with the complaint is a “significant giver” who threatens (either directly or by implication) to withhold his offering if leadership refuses to take action based on his concern?

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.” Matthew 18:15-17 (MSG)

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2. What if the Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) at your church states (as mine did):

“Church members may present any grievance of a personnel nature in writing to the Pastor or to members of the Personnel Committee or they may personally present their grievance at a meeting of the committee.”

 

        griev·ance

: a feeling of having been treated unfairly

: a reason for complaining or being unhappy with a situation

: a statement in which you say you are unhappy or not satisfied with something

What happens when your SOP lacks a scriptural foundation and condones members simply presenting their grievances to a committee without first going to the person they have a grievance with? Is a grievance always a sin? Or is a grievance sometimes simply, as the definition states, something you are unhappy about or dissatisfied with? Does the SOP trump scripture? Do we have a responsibility to recognize inconsistencies between our church policies and Biblical principles? Are we somehow excused from the consequences of our actions if we can claim that we were following church policy (even though it violated scripture)?

Some of the grievances against the FBC ministers who were forced to resign that I’ve heard from members over the last 2 years appear to be nothing more than annoyances or differences of opinion:

“He didn’t shake [a deacon’s] hand and scowled at him in the hallway before worship service.”

“He is too happy when he leads music. It’s not believable.”

“He waves (flaps) his arms around too much when he leads music.”

“The college students are leaving because the college minister isn’t doing a good job.”

“A minister should look presentable when he’s on the stage. He needs to iron his pants.”

“He’s not friendly.”

“He’s too sarcastic.”

“He’s abrasive.”

“He’s so  unorganized. It drives me crazy.”

One legitimate-sounding accusation still circulating in town is that of insubordination. The congregation took pause when these accusations were read by a deacon in a business meeting (after 2 of the ministers had “resigned” under pressure). However, the ministers were not given a chance to confront the accusations and the accusations were not proven with evidence of wrongdoing. In fact, when the accused ministers or worried church members questioned the legitimacy of the accusations, those in leadership responded with silence and claims of being bound by their duty to keep facts confidential.

Many times over the last 2 years, I’ve allowed myself to imagine that the legitimate-sounding claims were true…those of insubordination (refusing to cooperate with the pastor’s leadership)…and that they could be proven without a doubt. Then what? Would the secret forced resignations be warranted? Would the church’s refusal to allow the ministers the chance to seek forgiveness and reconciliation be legitimate? Could the church’s treatment of the ministers’ families be considered Biblical? Could the actions by leadership be justified?  I don’t believe so.

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In my experience, the ambush looked like this:

Certain members of church leadership and a few church members decided they wanted 3 ministers removed from the church.

The individuals never confronted the ministers with their “grievances”, but carefully crafted a case against them from the shadows using information gained from those who were unhappy.

The ministers were rendered defenseless by the secrecy used by those individuals as they planned and carried out their ambush. The ambush was orchestrated by a small group of influential members, but carried out by an official church committee.

The accusations remain secret or vague…and unchallengeable because of the extraordinary effort by those in leadership to remain silent and present a façade of unity to the community.

I’m left wondering where in the Bible we find Jesus suggesting that we, as Christians in our “churches”, operate secretly as we plan to ambush a fellow Christian?