The tide is turning in my heart. I can feel it. Slowly. But it’s happening. It’s as if a veil is slowly being removed from my eyes and I am seeing the world again. The world that kept bustling while I was unable to see or experience it because I was blinded by the darkness of hurt and sadness. To my surprise, the world looks much bigger with my new eyes. I’m seeing people I never noticed in the past. I have friends in places I’ve never visited. I think I like this new world. Which means I have to admit the thing I never would have had the stomach to say a year ago…maybe, just maybe, the hellish journey was worth it.
Nearly every day I’ve spent being unchurched (which now totals 10 months of my 46 years), I’ve learned something about myself or my faith. This is the reason I’m having such a hard time conjuring up a desire to return to church even though I know it’s frustrating some of those close to me.
A friend shared an article this week that pegged me. What a relief to know there is a pastor out there that understands where some of us are in the journey…all because he asked. He actually placed an ad on Craigslist asking for Christians who have walked away from church to meet him for coffee and conversation. He said “boatloads” answered.
Here’s what he gathered from those conversations:
“People will fade out of a church, a club, or a movement. But people don't fade out of their friendships; friends would notice and come after them. Yes, the mass exodus from our churches is continuing and spreading. Those leaving, for the most part, are not mad at God; they're mad at his followers.
Despite what you will hear from some religious leaders in today's church culture, the average Christ-follower walking out the door is not weak, unwilling to commit, or intrinsically selfish.
The vast majority of these Christians are leaving for two main reasons: First, and foremost, they are tired of being treated harshly by other Christians. Second, they feel the church has lost relevance to its community and to what they are going through in their everyday lives.
Often the way we treat each other within our faith communities is still stunningly poor. You don't need an in-depth study to find out why so many are leaving the church. Just have some conversations with the people who have left.
I spent this last year having hundreds of conversations with great Christians who have walked away from the church. I actually placed an ad on Craigslist to interview some, and boatloads answered. Most were in their late 20s and early 30s. They were more than willing to meet for coffee and share their hearts. I found out some surprising things.
Most missed attending a local church. They didn't miss it enough to return, but many felt a longing to try it again. Many said they were happier now and felt more authentic about their faith in Christ. One of the most startling things I discovered was they almost all shared their faith way more with their friends since leaving church. When they weren't trying to close the salvation deal, or get their friends out to a church services, their conversations just flowed.”
From “We Need to Stop Eating Our Own” by Michael Cheshire
I would have answered that ad. I would have given nearly the exact same responses. In reality, my experience has shown me that very few want to know why you left and they certainly don’t “notice and come after you.” In my experience, the vast majority of my “church family” was indifferent. Some were probably relieved to see me go because we had differing opinions on the secrecy surrounding their church politics. A few encouraged me to leave and find another church once they realized that I couldn’t be persuaded to accept the deception surrounding the forced resignations of our ministers and “move on while letting the past be in the past”. A few encouraged me to find another church because they said they couldn’t stand to see me hurting. One deacon consistently kept in contact with my family…asking, listening and encouraging…for all of these 10 months. Just one. Mostly, there’s silence about why we left. Some church members will ask where we are attending church now. I think they will feel better when we are planted somewhere. But they almost never want to discuss the why. It’s just easier for most people to laugh and joke and talk about non-threatening subjects like the weather and sports and kids…pretending that our relationship is just as it has always been. It’s easier not to ask why, not to pursue, not to engage. After all, if you ask, you might get an answer. And, what will you do with the answer? The discomfort isn’t worth the authentic relationship. Which leads me to wonder… what exactly do we mean when we refer to ourselves as “church families”?
And it also leads me to wonder something much harder and more painful…how many members of the “church family” left over the years I was there and I didn’t ask why? Did I even notice they were gone? Why was I a member of a church that was so large that I didn’t even know some of the members making it impossible to care about them?
My new eyes are helping me see some painful inconsistencies in my own walk. I’m not willing to give up seeing church from this perspective just yet. There’s too much to learn. When I return, I want to honor those who have been broken and wounded by “church” by abiding by the lessons God has taught me in the darkest moments. I never want to forget how it felt.
One thing I've come to realize is that many of the people who have remained behind in the church are just as hurt as the ones who have left. Many have felt judged and rejected in the past and are desperately clinging to their good position with their "friends" at church. They are afraid they might be kicked out of the circle that all of their friends are in, because they've seen it happen to others. Fear is a great motivator. But perfect Love casts out all fear . . .
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