Officially A Splinter

Several years ago, our family began to feel a change in our thinking. I wrote about it here and here. Eventually we experienced heartbreak and I wrote about it  here. Galvanized Garden was born out of my desire to record my thoughts and struggles. Back in November, I posted this quote:

From The Cross in the Closet by Timothy Kurek:

“Conservative Christianity teaches us to love everyone; however, that love can take many different forms. It seems to stem from an “I’m right, you’re wrong” biblical perspective, which imposes only two rather limited options: Insist others conform to your spiritual world view, or ignore those who don’t.

When Christians begin to question whether option one and two might both be false and consider the possibility of a third, or even fourth option, they are often swiftly labeled by their fellow church members as heretics – or emergents, if you prefer the religious lingo – and are told to either accept “in faith” one of the first two options; or they are pressured, like splinters, out of the church body. More and more, these splinters are leaving organized religion, and now I just might be one of them.”

Today, five months later, I am officially a splinter. I can hear the church members saying, “We didn’t pressure you out of the church body.” And, in fairness, they only suggested that my family might be better off leaving the church we’ve called home for over 20 years because they were concerned for us. “Concerned”  sounded like this: “I like going to church with you, but I can’t stand to see you hurting anymore. Maybe you would be better off going to another church.” “If you can’t effectively serve the Lord in this church anymore(because of your hurts), you need to find a place where you can for the sake of your family.” “You have to find a way to accept what is in the past and move on. We can’t change the past.”  The irony is that over the years, we have met so many people that are “unchurched”, as those “inside” the church often say, because of the ways they have been hurt by the church. Our hearts were heavy for them and we felt a sense of responsibility to them for those hurts. Maybe it isn’t actually ironic at all. Maybe God was preparing us to join the “unchurched”.  The interesting part for me is that we have a pretty unique perspective. We have gone from being grounded in the Baptist church for generations, to being in full-time ministry in two different Baptist churches, to leaving “the ministry” after experiencing the nastiness of church politics, to being “unchurched” after watching yet another episode of nasty church politics that devoured the church we thought we knew. We’ve experienced the gamut of church involvement.

Here’s my dilemma…do I continue recording my struggles and journey? Or do I close up the blog and go try to deal with the hurts in private? I know the church I’ve been a part of pretty well. I know they would question my spiritual maturity for even considering a transparent record of my journey on a blog. However, I know too many people who have been hurt by the actions of churches and church members and have never had an opportunity to feel those hurts acknowledged or validated. The secrecy and denial hurt the most. My inclination is to walk the journey toward healing openly to honor those who have had their lives upended by the church. There’s no question that if I choose to continue writing this blog, I’ll be opening myself up to incredible criticism. Here’s the thing…I already know I’m human and prone to make mistakes. I already know my attitude stinks at times. I already know that I need to apologize for my actions, word and thoughts at times. I already know my flaws are many. So why do I fear what people will throw at me?  I can almost guarantee the greatest criticism will come from those in the church…which will sting.

I’ll be considering whether or not to continue blogging this journey…

 
”I will arise and follow you over
Savior please, pilot me
Over the waves and through every sorrow
Savior please, pilot me
When I have no more strength left to follow
Fall on my knees, pilot me
May your sun rise and lead me on
Over the sea’s, savior pilot me
O’ Lord”

 

Family

“When asked why he (a former gang member) didn’t come (to church) anymore, he gave the following explanation: “I had the wrong idea about what church was going to be like. When I joined the church, I thought it was going to be like joining a gang. You see, in the gangs we weren’t just nice to each other once a week – we were family.” That killed me because I knew that what he expected is what the church is intended to be. It saddened me to think that a gang could paint a better picture of commitment, loyalty and family than the local church body.

The church is intended to be a beautiful place of community. A place where wealth is shared and when one suffers, everyone suffers. A place where when one rejoices, everyone rejoices. A place where everyone experiences real love and acceptance in the midst of great honesty about our brokenness.” –Francis Chan in Forgotten God 

How Long?

I remember walking for hours one morning last summer during a prayer walk around our church grounds…asking God all the way…How long  till you hear us? How long till you heal us? I begged Him to intervene and mend us. I’m still waiting…

“How long till You hear us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
How long till You heal us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
Love rise up.
Hope rise up
How long till You free us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
How long till You mend us?
Till You come back, we ain't giving up.
Your strength will come like something lifted up.
Lift up you head (love is rising)
Lift up your head (hope is rising)
Lift up your head (be lifted)
Be lifted, be lifted.
Lift up you head!”   David Crowder Band

                      

Before We Reach the End

Time to begin navigating the waters of repentance, restoration and reconciliation. Wish me luck.

“I cannot take back what I’ve done
To you, my sweetest friend
I betrayed you, I walked away again
Now all that’s left, is what might have been
Please forgive me, before we reach the end”

                                                        Josh Garrels (Slip Away)

Seeing a Correlation

I can’t stop thinking about an article I read last week. I see a correlation…between the Lance Armstrong doping story and church politics. Odd, I know. The article described the reactions of those who have been hurt by the cover ups and untruths told by Lance Armstrong to his interview with Oprah…where he admitted to doping. The article said:

 

“…now that Armstrong has admitted in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that he’s a doper, a liar and a bully, many of those that saw their lives changed, sometimes ruined, are going through a gamut of emotions. Some feel vindicated, others remain vengeful. Some are sad, while many others are simply wrung out."

“Frankie’s career was definitely cut short. His career was ruined early,” Betsy Andreu said. “You have riders out there whose careers never happened because of Armstrong.”

“When a rider like me brushed up against a cyclist of his caliber, his fame and his worth – when I clashed with the boss – all doors were closed to me.” Simeoni said. (referring to his whistle blowing on Armstrong) “I was humiliated, offended and marginalized for the rest of my career. Only I know what that feels like. It’s difficult to explain.”

“First shunned, then vilified by Lance Armstrong, Mike Anderson had to move to the other side of the world to get his life back. Now running a bike shop outside of Wellington, New Zealand, Armstrong’s former assistant watched news reports of his former boss confessing to performance-enhancing drug use with only mild interest. If Anderson never hears Armstrong’s voice again, it would be too soon. “He gave me the firm, hard push and a shove,” Anderson said in a telephone interview with the Associated Press. “Made my life very, very unpleasant. It was an embarrassment for me and my family to be portrayed as liars, to be called a disgruntled employee, implying there was some impropriety on my part. It was completely uncalled for.” (article by Eddie Pells for the Associated Press)

 

Sadly, I see these correlations:

1. An admittance of wrongdoing or an apology doesn’t negate the hurt we’ve caused or fix what we’ve broken.

2. We can only truly understand the hurts of those who are experiencing the same hurts we’ve experienced personally…which means we often carry our hurts alone.

3. While those hurt in the politics of the church might not feel vengeful, they definitely feel sad and wrung out.

4. We should be ashamed that we cut careers short and, perhaps, prevent some from ever having a career by our actions…especially in the church.

5. Our hurts and scars follow us…even if we start over somewhere else.

6. Having the courage to disagree with those in a place of prominence can have serious repercussions, but violating your own morality by staying silent when you know the truth is more personally devastating.

 

Our Secret Place

“I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place”

…and that’s why I love music…

Undignified

Just a few short years ago, I was one of the normal people. You know...the ones sitting with dignity and reverence each Sunday trying hard not to stare at the people brave enough to raise their hands during worship. I held back tears as I watched those that were obviously lost in the moment and apparently “feeling” their worship. I wondered why I couldn’t muster up the emotion, the desire, the boldness to experience worship in the same way. I don’t like to stand out in a crowd…as many of my friends would tell you. I’ve always chosen the safe fashions, been reluctant to ask questions in a crowd and feared being perceived as different in a weird way. And yet, I found myself strangely drawn to the very people who stood out in these worship services. I wondered what was different for them? Some said that it was a personality thing…they were also the ones more apt to be enthusiastic at a sporting event. While I don’t like to stand out, I cannot deny my emotions when watching one of my children at a sporting event or at a concert. My love and admiration for them takes over and it feels as if it would be impossible for me to sit quietly and observe. I usually experience an almost out-of-body experience. I know I’m hollering and laughing and being much more animated than usual. It’s just that I don’t care because my love for my kids overrides my desire to appear dignified.

And, deep down, I knew why I was inhibited in worship. My love and admiration for my Savior wasn’t strong enough to override my desire to be dignified…especially in a large crowd of other “dignified” Christians. I feared what they would think of me. God knew. As I asked Him to help me step out of my lukewarm spiritual walk, my circumstances started to change. My church comfort was stripped slowly, but completely over the next two years. Eventually, I started to feel that I needed Him desperately…in fact, He is all I knew for sure. Slowly, I felt the restraints loosen on my arms and the inhibitions begin to dissolve…until one Sunday, in my brokenness and pain, I heard the same worship songs I’d heard a hundred times before, but I couldn’t control my reaction. No longer worried about what others thought of me, my love for the One who continues to save me overrode my desire to appear dignified. And just like that, I lost my dignity…

“I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Leave my pride
By my side
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this”

David Crowder Band (Undignified)