Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Holy Spirit or Personal Conviction?

I woke up before the sun rose this morning. My eyes popped open and my heart hurt. I was remembering a letter written and sent to the church body in the very heart of our church turmoil. I could remember the letter nearly word for word. It haunts me. I got up and found the letter. To my amazement, it was dated June 28, 2012. Over a year ago. And I can still remember the words. And those words can still wake me from a deep sleep.  So I wonder…is this the Holy Spirit or my own personal convictions that causes me to continue being bothered by the contents of this letter? I mean, in the past, based on what I’ve been taught in church over my lifetime, I would say that they are one in the same. That stirring in your heart, the “gut” feeling…that is the Holy Spirit…that’s what I’ve been taught. On the other hand, many church people have told me in the last year that what happened in our church is over and it’s time for me to move on…without open and honest discussion or resolution. They’ve told me if I can’t find a way to move on (meaning stop talking about it and being bothered by it… “grace” is the buzz word) , I need to find a new place to worship…for my own health and wellbeing, of course. So, which is it? The Holy Spirit or my own convictions…or both? Maybe the reason I continue to wake in the night is not because the Holy Spirit is somehow speaking to me, but because  I am just deeply disturbed by the behaviors that I witnessed and the untruths that have remained unchallenged by professing Christians. Maybe the reason the contents of the letter bother me so much is simply because, on a human level, I recognize them as being in conflict with the actions taken by the church. Or, perhaps, God continues to bring the uneasiness and pain to me even in my sleep to keep me mindful that there is still truth to be told and it is not time to rest. I’m not even sure anymore. For whatever reason, either prodding by the Holy Spirit or personal conviction based on the Biblical principles I’ve been taught, I continue to struggle despite my desire to move on.

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