Friday, September 27, 2013

The Guilt

I went for a walk this morning under a weight of crushing guilt. Guilt because I’m not able to move forward quickly enough to satisfy some of those around me.  When I feel this way, I feel like I could walk for days…walking and walking just to get away from this place and the pain. I barely feel my legs moving and I’m unaware of time. As I pressed “shuffle” on the IPod, “Beautiful Things” began to play.  The words were poignant and I cried as I walked.

 

“All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us”

 

I’m an ugly mess right now. I wasn’t always this way. It’s not who I really am. It’s not who I want to be. It’s not where I intend to stay. It is, however, who I am right now until I can work back to a healthier place. It seems my church life has been a cycle of trusting, having my spirit and trust broken, slowly learning to trust again, finally trusting…and then it begins again. After the last 19 months…I’m angry. I’m cynical. I’m suspicious of the actions, words and motives of those in the church. It’s hard to imagine that God will be able to make something beautiful out of my life again. But He’s done it before.

S6300073

2 comments:

  1. As ugly as your life feels right now, God is already using you to make beautiful things. As one on the receiving end of that, thanks . . .

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  2. Well said, Tamie! I concur.

    "All around, hope is springing up from this old ground..."

    Praying for you, friend.

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