Church people are mostly silent about what has happened in the church over the last two years. But, occasionally a church member will ask me about the ministers who left. They don’t mention that the ministers were fired or forced to resign or pressured to keep quiet. It’s easier on the conscience to simply say they left and then ask one (of the many) questions that ties my stomach in knots.
“How is he doing in his new church? Is his ministry effective?”
What does that mean? What are you asking? Is he standing up each week and leading the music? Yes he is. Does that make him ok and effective? I don’t know. Is he living in another country far from family and surviving? Yes he is. Is he living out his faith day by day as he deals with the struggles? Yes he is. Does that make his ministry effective? I don’t know what you’re asking.
Is he dealing with the fallout from the actions we, as a church, allowed to severely wound his family? Yes he is. Is he trying to pick up the pieces of the mess we made and figure out how to move on without any chance at reconciliation? Yes he is. Is he searching for ways to comfort his family on the roller coaster of emotions that follows a traumatic event long after the ones who inflicted the wounds have moved on with their lives? Yes he is.
Is he smiling in family photos that you see on Facebook? Yes he is. Is he polite when he runs into church people? Yes he is. Does that mean that he’s over it? He’s doing fine? He’s happy? I doubt it.
What are you really asking? And do you want a real answer or the benign one you’re hoping for? If I tell you he’s not ok, will it make one bit of difference to you? Will you call him? Will you check on him?
Your words continue to amaze me and hit me deep in my soul. You are able to put into words what I cannot. I love you and thank you for saying what I am unable to say.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I have found that very few people ask questions wanting honest answers. Most people don't know want to know that I'm not ok. That I'm broken. That I'm angry. That I'm hurting. That who I am, my marriage, and my faith have been rocked to the core. Most people don't know what to do with that. So, they just don't ask. I guess it's better to pretend that we all moved on and are doing well.
ReplyDeleteOh Amy. Please don't ever stop writing. This post says things I have murmured in my head, silently and sadly. Thanks for challenging all of us to be more honest, more caring, more transparent, and more real. I know just what you mean when talk of experiencing a traumatic event and the resulting "roller coaster of emotions....long after the ones who inflicted the wounds have moved on with their lives."
ReplyDeleteAnd this is Christine, by the way! I couldn't get my old blog name to reveal my name instead!!!
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