There Are Others

Over the years I’ve heard certain phrases used over and over to cover the actions of people in church leadership in God’s name. Actions that seemed shady at best. Actions that were based loosely on truth and explained in a carefully crafted use of words that made it difficult to discern the whole truth. A partial telling of events. A rewriting of parts of a story to sway the congregation one way or another. And now, I find myself stopping abruptly when these phrases threaten to spill from my own mouth. They are the churchy phrases I was raised on. They are the natural default in my description of what I’m experiencing. But they have been perverted by their misuse to a point that I can’t bring myself to say them. And, when one slips out, I find myself apologizing.

I won’t say that what happened last weekend was “God’s will” or that it was “a God thing” or that “He led me” or that “I sensed His presence” or any other phrase that would imply that I know for sure that God had any part in it…so I’ll just say it happened and you can call it whatever you want.

A blog post came across my RSS feed last weekend. I clicked on it, read the post, clicked on a link in the post that led to another blog which led to another blog which led to another blog…it went on and on for two days. A trove of writers with whole blogs describing their similar experiences in different Baptist churches! I couldn’t believe it. Not that similar situations existed, but that there were people like me that wrestled with it and wrote about it.

And every fear I’ve had concerning writing about the situation in my own town has proven true for those bloggers. They’ve been accused of being divisive. They’ve been shunned in their communities. They’ve been slapped with law suits, questioned by law enforcement and torn apart by church leadership and remaining members. They’ve been accused of being unbiblical for their choice to write about the experiences in a blog.

They’ve written pages on their blogs titled “Why I Write” and “Why I Continue to Write” and “Answers to Frequent Accusations”… all in an attempt to explain their motives behind writing and answer accusations they were never given the chance to answer before their congregations.

I’ve lived in a near constant state of turmoil over the last 2 years because of what I’ve witnessed at the church I’ve been a member of for over 20 years. In the beginning, I followed what I believed to be a Biblical way of approaching the situation. I went to people in leadership who were involved in the decision making process one at a time. I shared with each of them my questions about the process they were using and asked them to help me understand the Biblical basis for the decisions they were making regarding the firing of one of the ministers and the subsequent cover-up . As time went on and other ministers were forced to resign or left on their own because they feared they were next, I continued to talk with those in leadership one on one about the deception taking place and my belief that the congregation needed to know the truth about what was actually happening…instead of the half-truths, concocted stories and misleading information being fed to them week after week. When I mentioned to those in leadership that I was feeling the need to tell people the truth about what was happening myself if they were choosing not to, they asked me how many people I planned to tell and told me I would be divisive to the church if I spoke out. I carried the weight of those words for the next two years fearing I would be the one accused of dividing the church. Fearing I was over reacting. Fearing I would bring harm to my own family or to the families of the ministers who were already in agony. Fearing I would lose relationships with those that I had taught in Sunday School, known as peers, respected as leaders. But, somehow the fear of those things couldn’t compare to the fear that someday, someone would say to me, “You knew the truth and did nothing.” So I prayed constantly, begging God to direct my steps. And I sought His forgiveness and the forgiveness of my family over and over as I made mistakes and allowed my anger over the injustice of what was happening to boil over and contaminate our home life. But, I kept speaking about the need for the truth to be told as the opportunity presented itself and I kept praying for God to release me from the whole nasty mess so I could get on with my life. I never felt the release.

In the end, the people in leadership decided to stay the course and refused to release the whole story to the congregation. Many of the members who knew of the deception and questionable politics used to force out these ministers, left the congregation. The ministers and their families were left to deal with their devastation on their own in new places far from family and friends. They were never given a list of allegations against them. Never given an opportunity to face their accusers. The congregation never had the opportunity to hear from the ministers regarding the chain of events that transpired. Fact was never separated from fiction. The leadership allowed the congregation to reach their own conclusions based on partial, incorrect, even fabricated information. As the months went on, people stopped talking. Slowly the doors of communication closed. We began to hear, “It’s in the past. We need to move on.” or “We can’t change the past.” or “This has taken a toll on all of us, but we need to move forward.” So, when the communication began to break down, I began to write…mostly to survive the depression that was setting in with every passing day while I witnessed many of those I had once respected continue to do nothing to stop the destruction, or worse yet, participate in it.

The last few months, I’ve wrestled with what to do with all of this. Put it in the closet and move on? There’s nothing I can do to change it at this point, I know that. What about the ministers that the church will call to serve there in the future? Are their families at risk of being forced to resign in secrecy? Based on history, I’d say absolutely they are. The events of the last 2 years are only a portion of the questionable practices carried out at this church over the last 25+ years. This wasn’t their first rodeo, as the saying goes. Do the incoming ministers have a right to know the potential this church has for hurting their families and careers? If I take what I know and bury it, how will that affect the future? And if I continue to write about what I know, how will that affect the future? Because I haven’t had a clear answer to these questions, I’ve been hesitant to write about too many details in blog posts. 

Here’s what I took away from the other blogs I stumbled across last weekend:

I’m grateful to know that I’m not alone. That others have witnessed similar faith traumatizing events at the hands of those they trusted and respected. That others have witnessed the same deception in the Baptist denomination and didn’t see it as acceptable. That others have felt the same urge to tell the story despite the great loss that comes with that decision. If they had not risked so much to tell the story, I would not have found a bit more healing by reading their words.

And, so, I must continue to tell the story. And pray that it brings a piece of healing to the families that were hurt and discarded by this church…not just the ministers’ families, either. There was plenty of collateral damage.